Into the Arms of Mr Darkside...

The other day... I was cuddled up with Mr Darkside..yes the one and only Mr Darkside...after Me and Mr Notsonaughty fell apart... I fell into the arms of Mr Darkside and to say I  am Happy is no under estimate on my current feelings... No Mr Darkside has never read this blog... do I want him too? Well I am not sure..its nice just to tell cyber space my odd ramblings.

Anyway back on track as I mentioned.. then elabrated  I was cuddled up with Mr Darkside ..and I was wondering why he got that blog name as it doesnt really describe him but some where in the midist of all the crazy it suited him and I look back with affection on that name.

So where did I leave off.. well yep me and Mr Notsonaughty parted ways...I suppose it should have happened 18 months before it did , but I am rubbish at owning up to how i think and feel about things I suppose the blog helped in some way .. as a way to get feelings out there and work through them.

Although I am not sure what cheating on someone means about you?

I suppose for me it meant I was unhappy dreadfully Unhappy and  that my only escape ended up being in the illcit activity .... and to be fair (if there is a being fair) I woke up to myself in time .. just in time.

So in the middle of all the chaos that fell around me.. after a month or so long silence from Mr Darkside I made contact ..yep I intiated it and I suppose as my situiaon was a lot more clearer things flowed a lot quicker... like a mini whirlwind! :) (big grins) ....

so the world sounds peachy! ... but you know there is a BIG arse BUTT coming......

So lets start in the middle......

So I have been away .. and "pray tel"l you ask .."what have you been doing". Well errr where can I begin.. well like every story maybe its best to start in the middle in the  middle of chaos.

I walked ...well in reality I ran...ran screaming to the hills i knew it wasn't right.. marriage ..well marriage to Mr Notsonaughty .. I mean lets face it i didn't love him I was treating him like shit and getting caught and continuing to treat him like shit. Not that i am going to get in to Shit throwing but he threw some may way too!  Anyway I ended it .. i suppose around the same time i stopped posting on my blog...
2 reasons for not posting 1. I needed some head space to work out what i wanted to tell the world and what I  should tell the world and 2. Well Mr Darkside... ( a subject for another blog post).

So I ran, leaving lots of unrecoverable deposits, bewildered parents and a heartbroken Mr Notsonaughty...
the other night someone said i had been brave...brae to admit it wasn't right and to take that step away from it all despite the feelings of embarrassment/shame humiliation. But at the time I didn't feel brave .. in fact I felt good 100% positive with the decision i had made. Which made it so much harder on Mr Notsonaugty, but Mr Notsonaughty turnout to be a  Mr Psycho very quickly so any sympathetic pains you may have had for him should now fade! (a subject for another time perhaps)

What a mess er... mmmmm

i am back in the room ...just

ok ok i am back... ok its been a ridicoulous long time but i will explain all,,, but for the moment i just wanted to say hi!

I miss Mr Darkside

A week has passed since our sunday lunch date and we havent really chatted since, a few brief Facebook chats but that is all and a few texts.
He knows my life is slightly complicated and I can tell he all he wants is to find a nice girl and settle down (he prob should stay clear of me then). I dont know I am letting things hang and we will see what happens or doesnt.

when you press self destruct

So I met Mr Darkside yesterday, he is awesome.  Now I am convinced he doesn't think the same about me. I am not really sure why I am intent on pressing self destruct and watching my life disappear down the toilet.  Why do I put myself out there, all my insecurities all my vulnerabilities out there for judgement. When I could stay at home with Mr Notsonaughty and have a comfortable life. No stress No excitement No drama No hurt feelings = that just wouldn't be me would it.

Fucking Fuck Wit

Hey that would be me.. the title!
So the lack of posts has been done to my retreat into hiding, Saturday night (last) didn't turn out to plan, mainly because said new Internet friend spotted me but was to shy to say hi and well I was too drunk to see! Class act! However every day since I have spoken to him (about time to give him a name..Hmmm) Mr Darkside! . Well me and Mr Darkside have been chatting every evening or exchanging the odd text.. its been cute. The plan is to meet him on Sunday. Its a bank holiday weekend so Mr Notsonaughty is at home but I have a cover story.. I am still concerned about being finding out.  I am aware I am a moral fuckup and deep down I beleive in happy endings, but I am defintley on a path of self destruction at present.

Mr Notsonaughty has become suspicious and has been checking my phone and I forget to delete a message .. after last time I cant believe I am so dumb.. Fucking fuck wit me.. I do wonder if I do it on purpose to be found out and then a conversation where we break up. Ever feel like its time to press self destruct.

Also this week I met Slick Nic, only for a coffee. So not worth the time! What a waste of 30 minutes, the feeling was defintley  mutual as I have heard nothing since. All I am saying is "40 my arse" he was definitely older and discussing his kids was a definite turn off. Don't get me wrong its not that I anti children but its hardly a turn on.

I am going out tonight

So I recently (like since Sunday) have been chatting to someone on line who seems seriously lovely. We have spoken every night through Tue -Thursday and briefly this afternoon. Partly the reason for the lack of posts. We live in the same sort of area and go to the same sort of places, anyway we have both engineered to be in the same bar this evening, his girl wont be with him, and as I write this Mr Notsonaughty has declined to come out this evening. I am out with my sister and best mate, (who is bringing her fella and his mate - both friends of Mr Notsonaughty).

I have warned my new Internet friend that discretion is key and I can happily say hi etc, but with the body guards in tow got to be careful. Also of course there is the possibility that I wont fancy him in the flesh and vice versa, so being in a group situation is of a comfort.

But I know me, better than I would like to sometime and I am going have to keep my slutty alter ego under lock and key.

Ever get the feeling things are about to go seriously fucking tits up!

Psycho men and feeling like a Slut

At the moment, I seem to be in some way encouraging psycho behaviour. Do you recall Dazza I mentioned in a previous post, well I did not feel comfortable meeting up with him. Mainly because rather than wanting to take me for a drink in a polite prelude to get into my knickers seemed to be more interested in me watching him going for a piss in the woods. Water sports are really not my game nor is creeping up on strangers in the woods  (got to think safety!). Well anyway I told him that, in a much politer way. Since then he is tracking my movements across the Internet, I blocked him on MA so he set up a fake profile in order to send me a message to ask why i have blocked him. "GET A CLUE MAN". It seems to make no difference what i say or how mean I am to him, it just spurs him on. I cant even leave that damn site now, without phoning them and I don't fancy doing that.

Then there was a guy who I exchanged a few slutty emails with and I change my status to something slutty, and he IMs me to rant about how I am cheating on him. Christ on a bike! , we haven't even met I am not looking for  relationship and the fact we are both on a site looking for NSA action... who can have a go at who.

The deeper i sink into this world the more I have moments when  I am left feeling like a complete slut. Why is that society makes it ok for men to roam around sowing their wild oats but for a woman you carry this shit on your shoulders. This sinking feeling that society is frowning on my/our behaviour. I am usually of the frame of mind of "fuck it". But this afternoon something happened and I was just left feeling like a cheap whore, and cheap is a quality I definitely do not share.

So I was online chatting to Mr Cautious, and we decide to go on cam and have a little fun and as we strip down and watch each other mutually pleasure ourselves. I have to say I love it when Mr Cautious talks dirty in his northern (Yorkshire) accent its so fucking hot I end up imaging I am Lady Chatterley or something  ...sorry I am going off the point. So he cums and a tiny bit of small talk oh that was hot, he goes off line. No bye no thanks. So there I was sitting in front of my laptop in my birthday suit, not even really half way near cumming feeling like a complete idiot. I mean Sex workers get paid, and a marvellous job they do to! I dint get paid did I !  So I just felt like a complete slut, used up a like a dirty wank tissue.

Mr Muscles cold feet!

"Buy some socks"

You should always trust your instincts! My initial reservation was that Mr Muscles didn’t really know what he wants. However last week tentatively arranged that we go for a drink .  He practically leaped at the chance, although I sensed he was overwhelmed with nerves. It was suggested that this would be tomorrow ( Thursday). So  I thought I would check in with him, and guess what I received a polite yet short email, " Hi, I am really sorry I cant do it, I got cold feet" . I thought about emailing back a suggestion on some fab woolly socks he could get! But you know what I ain't going to go force it, my instinct was right first time.

You know what I am more annoyed about, I had already started to plan an outfit out in my head... for those women readers you will know that sometimes this is more exciting that the date. Mmm so what to do I have told Mr Notsonaughty I have a evening client meeting on Thursday night, it would be a shame to waste this free slot! ...

On to the next!

Sometimes Jealously is the best tonic!

Word to the wise Delete you text messages… this weekend Mr Notsonaughty took it upon himself to have a read through my phone. Ok so there were a few (actually innocent texts ..surprise!) from Mr Muscles …he sort of flipped out. Clearly I was the innocent, “ some guy from work” “is it my fault he fancys me?” “I would never do that” … well Mr Notsonaughty got over it (well that’s what he said.) it was strange there was no shouting or screaming. He just looked worried! I immediately made a mental note “ Tut tut rule 101 tidy up your mess”

Anyway it brought out some kind of unbridled passion in Mr Notsonaughty and I enjoyed the best sex session in quite awhile with Mr Notsonaughty.

I think Mr Notsonaughty saw me in a different light, rather than his ever loving loyal partner/ pot washer and 24 hour chef. He saw me as a desirable highly sexual women, and clearly he figured it was time to pull out all the tricks! Ok so while it was passionate (as in ripping of clothes, frantic pawing) it wasn’t earth shattering, he added to his usual reptiore with a few nice twists and turns.When I suggested perhaps he would like to go down on me he gave me that funny almost panicked look! So I said nevermind...I did remind him about returning favours ...but alas its lost on him.

However the quest remains on, a new friend with benefits. I don’t want a one night stand, I don’t think my emotions can stand it (despite my constant mantra running though my head “man up princess”) I want to find an amazing guy who can handle a no hassell, no drama, no commitment, no psycho behaviour, no begging for attention, no texts at the wrong time of the day, guarranted amazing sex sessions, awesome fun times! Tall order ?