I miss Mr Darkside

A week has passed since our sunday lunch date and we havent really chatted since, a few brief Facebook chats but that is all and a few texts.
He knows my life is slightly complicated and I can tell he all he wants is to find a nice girl and settle down (he prob should stay clear of me then). I dont know I am letting things hang and we will see what happens or doesnt.

when you press self destruct

So I met Mr Darkside yesterday, he is awesome.  Now I am convinced he doesn't think the same about me. I am not really sure why I am intent on pressing self destruct and watching my life disappear down the toilet.  Why do I put myself out there, all my insecurities all my vulnerabilities out there for judgement. When I could stay at home with Mr Notsonaughty and have a comfortable life. No stress No excitement No drama No hurt feelings = that just wouldn't be me would it.

Fucking Fuck Wit

Hey that would be me.. the title!
So the lack of posts has been done to my retreat into hiding, Saturday night (last) didn't turn out to plan, mainly because said new Internet friend spotted me but was to shy to say hi and well I was too drunk to see! Class act! However every day since I have spoken to him (about time to give him a name..Hmmm) Mr Darkside! . Well me and Mr Darkside have been chatting every evening or exchanging the odd text.. its been cute. The plan is to meet him on Sunday. Its a bank holiday weekend so Mr Notsonaughty is at home but I have a cover story.. I am still concerned about being finding out.  I am aware I am a moral fuckup and deep down I beleive in happy endings, but I am defintley on a path of self destruction at present.

Mr Notsonaughty has become suspicious and has been checking my phone and I forget to delete a message .. after last time I cant believe I am so dumb.. Fucking fuck wit me.. I do wonder if I do it on purpose to be found out and then a conversation where we break up. Ever feel like its time to press self destruct.

Also this week I met Slick Nic, only for a coffee. So not worth the time! What a waste of 30 minutes, the feeling was defintley  mutual as I have heard nothing since. All I am saying is "40 my arse" he was definitely older and discussing his kids was a definite turn off. Don't get me wrong its not that I anti children but its hardly a turn on.

I am going out tonight

So I recently (like since Sunday) have been chatting to someone on line who seems seriously lovely. We have spoken every night through Tue -Thursday and briefly this afternoon. Partly the reason for the lack of posts. We live in the same sort of area and go to the same sort of places, anyway we have both engineered to be in the same bar this evening, his girl wont be with him, and as I write this Mr Notsonaughty has declined to come out this evening. I am out with my sister and best mate, (who is bringing her fella and his mate - both friends of Mr Notsonaughty).

I have warned my new Internet friend that discretion is key and I can happily say hi etc, but with the body guards in tow got to be careful. Also of course there is the possibility that I wont fancy him in the flesh and vice versa, so being in a group situation is of a comfort.

But I know me, better than I would like to sometime and I am going have to keep my slutty alter ego under lock and key.

Ever get the feeling things are about to go seriously fucking tits up!

Psycho men and feeling like a Slut

At the moment, I seem to be in some way encouraging psycho behaviour. Do you recall Dazza I mentioned in a previous post, well I did not feel comfortable meeting up with him. Mainly because rather than wanting to take me for a drink in a polite prelude to get into my knickers seemed to be more interested in me watching him going for a piss in the woods. Water sports are really not my game nor is creeping up on strangers in the woods  (got to think safety!). Well anyway I told him that, in a much politer way. Since then he is tracking my movements across the Internet, I blocked him on MA so he set up a fake profile in order to send me a message to ask why i have blocked him. "GET A CLUE MAN". It seems to make no difference what i say or how mean I am to him, it just spurs him on. I cant even leave that damn site now, without phoning them and I don't fancy doing that.

Then there was a guy who I exchanged a few slutty emails with and I change my status to something slutty, and he IMs me to rant about how I am cheating on him. Christ on a bike! , we haven't even met I am not looking for  relationship and the fact we are both on a site looking for NSA action... who can have a go at who.

The deeper i sink into this world the more I have moments when  I am left feeling like a complete slut. Why is that society makes it ok for men to roam around sowing their wild oats but for a woman you carry this shit on your shoulders. This sinking feeling that society is frowning on my/our behaviour. I am usually of the frame of mind of "fuck it". But this afternoon something happened and I was just left feeling like a cheap whore, and cheap is a quality I definitely do not share.

So I was online chatting to Mr Cautious, and we decide to go on cam and have a little fun and as we strip down and watch each other mutually pleasure ourselves. I have to say I love it when Mr Cautious talks dirty in his northern (Yorkshire) accent its so fucking hot I end up imaging I am Lady Chatterley or something  ...sorry I am going off the point. So he cums and a tiny bit of small talk oh that was hot, he goes off line. No bye no thanks. So there I was sitting in front of my laptop in my birthday suit, not even really half way near cumming feeling like a complete idiot. I mean Sex workers get paid, and a marvellous job they do to! I dint get paid did I !  So I just felt like a complete slut, used up a like a dirty wank tissue.

Mr Muscles cold feet!

"Buy some socks"

You should always trust your instincts! My initial reservation was that Mr Muscles didn’t really know what he wants. However last week tentatively arranged that we go for a drink .  He practically leaped at the chance, although I sensed he was overwhelmed with nerves. It was suggested that this would be tomorrow ( Thursday). So  I thought I would check in with him, and guess what I received a polite yet short email, " Hi, I am really sorry I cant do it, I got cold feet" . I thought about emailing back a suggestion on some fab woolly socks he could get! But you know what I ain't going to go force it, my instinct was right first time.

You know what I am more annoyed about, I had already started to plan an outfit out in my head... for those women readers you will know that sometimes this is more exciting that the date. Mmm so what to do I have told Mr Notsonaughty I have a evening client meeting on Thursday night, it would be a shame to waste this free slot! ...

On to the next!

Sometimes Jealously is the best tonic!

Word to the wise Delete you text messages… this weekend Mr Notsonaughty took it upon himself to have a read through my phone. Ok so there were a few (actually innocent texts ..surprise!) from Mr Muscles …he sort of flipped out. Clearly I was the innocent, “ some guy from work” “is it my fault he fancys me?” “I would never do that” … well Mr Notsonaughty got over it (well that’s what he said.) it was strange there was no shouting or screaming. He just looked worried! I immediately made a mental note “ Tut tut rule 101 tidy up your mess”

Anyway it brought out some kind of unbridled passion in Mr Notsonaughty and I enjoyed the best sex session in quite awhile with Mr Notsonaughty.

I think Mr Notsonaughty saw me in a different light, rather than his ever loving loyal partner/ pot washer and 24 hour chef. He saw me as a desirable highly sexual women, and clearly he figured it was time to pull out all the tricks! Ok so while it was passionate (as in ripping of clothes, frantic pawing) it wasn’t earth shattering, he added to his usual reptiore with a few nice twists and turns.When I suggested perhaps he would like to go down on me he gave me that funny almost panicked look! So I said nevermind...I did remind him about returning favours ...but alas its lost on him.

However the quest remains on, a new friend with benefits. I don’t want a one night stand, I don’t think my emotions can stand it (despite my constant mantra running though my head “man up princess”) I want to find an amazing guy who can handle a no hassell, no drama, no commitment, no psycho behaviour, no begging for attention, no texts at the wrong time of the day, guarranted amazing sex sessions, awesome fun times! Tall order ?

Get back on that pony Cowgirl!

I'm back and trouble is afoot!  Like buses, men come and go. Number one rule learnt and burnt into my minds eye..don't get hurt. So I have a date coming up with Mr Muscles...I have decided to try an older man , so Slick Nic you get your way! (Have to admit he is right saucy fella judging from our last phone call..so maybe this old dog gonna teach me something)

Oh Mr Notsonaughty, initiated sex last night... funny how relationship sex is always the same. Like a tried and tested recipe... This is Mr Notsonaughty recipe...touch boobs , kiss neck, prod Miss Naughty in the back with erection in the back...mutter something about love in Miss Naughty ear, reach over and touch boobs again... LOL. Hey just like a comfy pair of heels its reliable no ones world gets rocked, but we know I got other ways to get  my rocks off!

I couldn't resist adding in this link, this is my current theme tune to my life at the moment... so watch this space for details...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3U4ecNuaUvE

my lost funk

After yesterdays internet trauma, I cant shake it off I have lost my funk. I have ignored my own advice and now I am feeling like rubbish. I have decided on my day off work to spend it in my PJs on the sofa considering my options, while eating a tray of fresh brownies( I may just eat it straight from the tin with a spoon)

That tiny part of me is sitting here hoping for an email or text that could turn my mood around, but I think I am fooling myself.

Slick Nic keeps texting me and Mr Muscles sent me a lovely email. But alas no smiles here.

Miss Naughty does have feelings...(darn it)

Clearly this isn't Adam but you get the idea

Ugh I was perusing MA (the current dating website of choice) and which one of my favourites shows up as online too.. Adam. Eeeck the last I heard (yes i did read the email) was that his PC was broken and he couldn't get on line ..blah blah.   I suppose despite committing Internet suicide and disappearing I was in some strange way upset that he hadn't tracked me down.  Not that he would have been able to in all honesty.

I don't know what I want, but I did/do like Adam and I think a fuck buddy arrangement could work out really well. So I now I am flicking between websites to see if he contacts me. I could contact him first couldn't I? Scrap that foolish thought...

Oh and top it all off Mr C recent diary entry says " I am taking myself off the market as I have met someone from the site".. Oh christ my heart/lust is breaking.  (So much for my rules ...I have got hurt)

All this and  a hangover not the best combo on a Sunday morning. It may be time to open up the chocolate biscuits and sink under the duvet.  Could my day get any worst?

Get me out of here ...

Image by jcoterhals via Flickr

So I am due to turn into a Mrs in less that 8 months, the thought of it actually feels me with fear. I think to myself well as soon as I say my vows I will just give up those dating sites. I am not sure what I think will happen that I will suddenly be content with what I have. ( if that logic was to work then I wouldn't be still meeting men) .  However I thought to myself I should give Mr Notsonaughty an  opportunity to turn me back to him (clearly he didn't know this was my game plan). So this is how the conversation went

Mr Notsonaughty "So what did you today"
Me " I had an appointment at the beauty salon, got a hollywood wax I am really pleased with it."
Mr Notsonaughty "oh" *shrugs shoulders*
Me "wanna see"
Mr Notsonaughty " na your alright . Seems a silly idea to me"
Me " I read it increases sensitivity, I think its sexy in fact I feel really turned on by it"
Mr Notsonaughty "well  I still don't see the point... sorry whats for dinner?"

Please someone tell me this is not a normal reaction !

These things I know..... so far

Image via Wikipedia

Getting under the covers is not easy ... particular when using the wonders of the net to make that happen.
This is a list (how I love a list) of the things I know..so far. Willing to be proved wrong on all of them.


1. The immediate rush of chatting to someone new is amazing. Building a picture of each other, the first time you decide to switch on the web cams. Its the buzz, that stomach churning OMG moment, when they email or text you or send you a pic. This can sometimes be really intense contact over a number of consecutive days.

2. Don’t lose hope .. like everything this rush dies, pretty quickly usually within 3 days. I would suggest that as an average, because people have lives and they are not permanently attached to their laptops. So there may be contact but it will be considerably less than the initial flurry of emails or chat exchanges.

3. For every 10 people you connect with. In reality you will probably only met 3 and out of that …well I am still learning.. but you got to have fun along the way.

4. Distance. It matters the die- hard optimist in me wants to say it doesn’t but it does. But I am willing to be proved wrong.

5. Decide in advance what it is that you want . Are you looking for a relationship then if so, exchanging sexy pics at the beginning might not be the way to go. If it’s a hook up (as I would call it ) or a Meet as its commonly called on the websites then sending those pics will get you that. As long as you stay “game” and the dreaded cold feet don’t get ya.

6. Don’t Get hurt. Most people on line have told you a million lies to get you where they want you. If you send you pics or video you have to assume that they may just end up being used as homemade porn. I suppose there is some sense of flattery you can take from that the idea that someone wants to cum all over a picture of you.

7. Beware of the Young Ones and the Much Older Ones. OK this is blatant ageism I can see that…but a word to the wise .. it matters. The young ones want to practice their “fucking abilty” and having already gone through he “Practice” stage you may agree with me that teaching some kid old tricks is no fun. While on the reverse teaching an old dog new tricks .. comes with baggage. You like me may have your own set of baggage and not really have room to carry much more.

8. Lies I think honesty is the best policy You may disagree.. ok so a bit of fluffy stuff you know.. your not going to send all the photos where you look like a pig. But on the flip side don’t lie about the big stuff. There is no point. Unless you’re a C**t and you want to just hurt people.

9.Don't get talked into meeting someone. Don't let yourself get sucked in by feeling guilty or obliged. Your not. If you don't feel comfortable don't go. If you got alot to lose, why risk the chance of getting sprung over someone your not that into.

10.Accept. That it may turn out the way you want.

Tasty Thursday Treats

Each Thursday I am going to post an update on my current adventures and to "Big up" some of my new found friends...

So lets see… Mr Cautions the northerner He is a sweet guy that is stuck in a relationship (mortgage/girl) and it sounds like its just too much for him. Every now and then he pops up on my Messenger for a chat. This week he seems to want chat a lot! Unfortunately for him I have been caught up with Mr C.

Mr Muscles.. I am not sure he knows what he wants, one point he emails that we should met to see if we get on and the next he goes quiet. I am going to leave this in his court to make a decision on exactly what he is looking for.

Dazza, Oh my heart bleeds for Dazza, He seems like a genuine nice guy who keeps getting treated badly by us ladies (hang our heads in shame). Although this compassion was short lived further to his persistent emails to met him at a specified location (like the woods) so I could watch him pee. While I have politely told him its not my thing, he continues to drop hints. What do you think should I go watch?

Slick Nic,. He is older than me… and he has 3 kids and it seems like affairs are his thing and not getting caught! There is a strange appeal with him so I have agreed to met him for a coffee just to see what he is like in person. I expect I will use this more as a research project! I think he is batting slightly out of his league..(bitch I know)

Mr C, Oh Mr C… how I enjoyed our exchange this week! There could have been a competition to see who could be more daring He gets me and it would without doubt be explosive if we met… now if I can just overcome 200 + miles.

Oh and Adam (remember him) well he dropped me an email last week. I still haven’t had the courage to open it. Should I just press delete!?

All advice gratefully appreciated...

Theft of Apocalyptica and all that Jizz

Every now and then you end up chatting to someone on line, who gets you. Who really gets you  lets be honest to get my warped sense of humour and to follow my wandering trail of thought is definitely award winning.

Well that's what I think so far of this fella. Its probably the only time with my on and off dalliance with the Internet that I have thought "shit if only circumstances were different". I would just throw my stuff in the car and go met him, and stick two fingers up at everything, however Age has brought about responsibility and a sense of obligation... which puts impulses on hold.

I think we will call him Mr C, if he ever gets to see this blog ( if I tell him about it) he will know its him..the title is your credit OK. So i do hope Mr C can feature in other blogs...

Beautiful Flowers and a Beautiful Cock

Why are tattoos and sex so closely tied together …perhaps that’s just me. Every time I have ever gone under the needle that rush afterwards has ended up in the most passionate (read filthy) encounters.. maybe it’s the heady mix of adrenaline and pain…perhaps someone can commission a study…. All I know is that getting mine  has never been so much fun, be that solo fun or with someone. A labour of love that I am not intending to speed up. So today I sit back and say thank you tattoo needle and thank you random dating sites and dodgy dates with dodgy tattooist (even jimmy today .. yes you will do a love heart and yes you will like it)… as without you .. I would be just a prim and proper wife and that hat never did suit.

So the beautiful flowers that adorn  my arm and to the ones that are coming... I say bring it on oh and to the beautiful cocks I see on my travels I salute you !

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• 'I do it because it looks cool, full stop' (guardian.co.uk)

Brazil or Hollywood ..

This is now a major life altering decision for many women... who would have thought that sex and the city could have changed the world of female pubic hair .. Anyway I think stick to what you know the glam of hollywood. Although I am going to have to change beauty salons, further to moving. So I will let you know how it goes.... more to follow...

Well well what have we here then...

So in reality what do you do...your chatting to some awesome guy but they hundreds or miles away or worst they are a stones throw away... you think you wanna met them, but how does that work in reality? you have made it clear that its no strings attached and its just a hook up...

so I figured I should try and this is how it panned out,
lets call him Adam, (not real name) I met Adam on the aforementioned site and in part he was the reason I removed myself and the reason I reactivated my profile. Adam is married and a serving police officer. His emails were cute, they were actually readable and unlike the wades of nonsense where not all about what he was going to do with his 10 inches... he was interested in me, what I liked what we had in common. I automatically felt safe , really safe. I got to be honest I think the police officer bit got me (does every time)

He was nervous and I was nervous but we agreed to met in a country pub right out in the middle of nowhere. I got there early and the emergency pack of silkcuts which have lived at the bottom of my bag for a year were broken out. As I waited I sat wondering what happens from here what happens if we do really like each other. Exactly how does an affair work?. I think that's a female thing, jumping 5 steps ahead planning for a future when the present hasn't even started.

I recognised him from his photos swapped online, and as he walked towards me .. I suddenly felt the rush of excitement I had longed for ... that first meeting rush. We chatted and the 2 hours flew by, he had to leave promptly so he could make it home before his wife got home from work. While we chatted he leaned over towards me and I could see his wedding ring (I had taken mine off in the car some where in my head as long as I am not wearing it then i am not cheating). I could smell him and I wanted him in that moment, right there. But he lent back and continued his conversation.

Its those moments I could spend a lifetime chasing. The moments before you kiss someone, the moment you know that person is going to touch you but their hand lingers above your skin. You can almost feel them and every part of you feels like its stretching out to brush against them.
Adam wasn't as up for it as his profile made out, perhaps it was nerves or a case of cold feet but it wasn't until we got up to leave that i thought "sod it if you come to the party you come to dance" ..so I Lent in and kissed him. He kissed me back so passionately that I instantly assumed it had been nerves before. He slid his arms around me and ran his hands over my body ( no doubt checking me for drugs..lol I joke).

We parted and that's where things were left, It wasn't like how meets had been before where its just drop your knickers and get down to it. It was different and that set something of in me. A feeling of guilt. That sinking feeling that what you have done is so very wrong and to spark a connection when your both attached ..well where is it going to go? So I did what all crazy neurotic women do and commit ed Internet suicide, removed myself form everywhere..blocked Adam from trying to find me on every social network site I could think of and disappeared. Because that's what you do ..when you like someone isn't it?

No Strings Attached... really ?

At first glance i figured the whole NSA, no strings attached was some light reference to bondage or something ..but no no it has now come to my attention that its a polite reference to uncomplicated sex, making it clear from the beginning that there may be no contact after the event but fun will be had by all.

I got to be honest i am not sure how that is really going to work out ..but i suppose its worth finding out.

Well about a week ago i reopened my account with a dating website. No regular dating website mind. A website which gets down to it, what we are looking for ... a hook up. You can be coy and protest that its love and a relationship and great personality that your looking for but the truth of the matter is that we are all humans driven by desire and we are all looking for the sexual connection, like a inbuilt throw back or something.



So to report to you all one week in lets see, i have spoken to more men on line than i have properly ever even met trawling night clubs and bars throughout my twenties... so first glance i am on to a winner. I have had some amazingly frank msn chats with a few of them and i am considering definitely meeting a few of them.

Problem is ... i am(unhappily) attached ..so there are defintley strings.

Hello and welcome to the blog world...

So I decided to start a blog, mainly for the following reasons

1. I have so much flooding round my head that I thought getting it all down might be a therapeutic... and somewhat cheaper than a shrink


2. That my life which was pretty normal has suddenly got complicated and i would appreciate the views of others who may stumble upon my blog.
3. Its the one place i can be honest. Oh yeah the honesty that assists when your completely anonymous...